h1

part 2: mother’s day

May 10, 2010

i’ve never been all that partial to mother’s day – it feels manipulative and unnecessary to me, kind of like valentine’s day – but i’m feeling particularly resentful this year. i didn’t skip it entirely, i would feel too guilty. i sent my mom a gift and we texted on friday. but i didn’t call. this was an entirely selfish and childish choice on my part: i dislike the phone in general, and i particularly dislike long, drawn-out phone calls (which conversations with my mom always are) on sundays, which are my day o’ rest, people. sometimes i don’t even leave the house on sunday.

anyway, back to the whole resentful thing. as i was sitting here, catching up on some weekend blog reading, i kept skimming the various mother’s day posts and sort of internally rolling my eyes and then i stopped and thought, “dude, wtf is my problem?”* partly, i have never been the most openly emotional and expressive person in the world, and there’s a part of me that just doesn’t like the idea of gushing about my mom (even though she’s a pretty good mom). i prefer to simply send a card and/or a gift and let that speak for me. which is kind of lame, really, and i know that.

but even worse is that i’m realizing i’m still pissed at my mom. we’ve stayed on good terms through the whole remarriage debacle, but i still just don’t get it. and i hate that it’s coloring my view of my mom. we haven’t always seen eye to eye, and i’ve frequently thought she was wrong (especially in my high school years, unsurprisingly). there are parts of my life i don’t tell her about even now. but i always respected her. she’s smart and she doesn’t take any crap and she raised three kids mostly by herself. but her decision to take up with my father again has just appalled me. and part of what i find so upsetting is that i feel (perhaps wrongly) like i’m now the mature one, the one in the mother position, the one watching someone make a really bad decision.

i’m know i’m hardly unbiased here, and the fact that pretty much no one else in the family seems to have a problem with the situation has given me pause. but even when i try to look at the situation objectively, it just seems wrong, or at the very least far too fast. i can’t help feeling like she’s going to get hurt. i’m upset that i’m questioning her judgment so much. and i’m resentful that she can apparently just forgive him and get over it; i’m resentful because she’s brought all this drama back into my life, when i was perfectly content to be politely estranged.

but you know what? i’m also a little resentful that this is my problem. because it is. i’m an adult, and i can’t expect anyone to base their freaking life decisions around my happiness. they’re adults, and it’s their choice. i need to just deal with it. and i’m working on it, but it’s taking some time. and in the meantime, i just keep on pretending like everything’s okay.

so yeah, i wasn’t really feeling into mother’s day this year.

*aside from the fact that i just took three attempts to spell “problem” correctly, that is.

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