h1

anger management

March 24, 2010

so i started this post in january in an attempt at self-exorcism, but i didn’t get very far. after some other discussions lately, i’m ready to just rant about it. apologies if this is crazy and disorganized, but, well, that’s what the tags are for. feel free to skip anything labeled “word vomit.” i won’t care. hell, i probably won’t even know. but if i do know, i won’t blame you for it. i wouldn’t want to read this crap either.

so here’s the thing: i am angry. not just like “good GOD why can’t my boss remember a single fucking thing i tell her” level annoyed, but really. fucking. pissed. OFF. there is rage, is what i am saying. i am not going to be rational, or fair, or calm. i am going to be ANGRY.

first of all, i am SO FUCKING ANGRY WITH YOU, el boy! yes, you. i know you don’t read this blog. i know you don’t even know this blog exists, but i am addressing you in the second person anyway. i am angry with you for so many, many reasons. you manipulated me, and you led me on, and you figured out how to push every button i have so that you could draw me back in every time i resolved to end the anguish and come to terms with the fact that we simply were not meant to be. and after a year of toying with me, you hooked up with our mutual friend and coworker. and when that failed (spectacularly!), both of you talked to me about it, which just made me feel even more awesome.*

i am angry with you for all of this, and i am angry with myself for being a part of it, and i am angry with you – again! some more! – for making me feel bad about myself for everything that happened during that year. for a long time i blamed myself for letting it all happen, but you know what? fuck that. i fucking blame you. you are a fucking asshole. you take pride in being needlessly mysterious and emotionally unavailable. you stood me up so many times i rarely bothered to assume you’d ever be where you were supposed to (although that last instance was pretty dickish, even for you). you’re not a good friend, you’re not a good person, and i’m probably insanely lucky we never dated.

i hate that if i saw you on the street tomorrow, i wouldn’t be able to say this to your face. i hate that i still care about any of this, that i’m still angry, that i still allow you this sway over my life. especially since i seriously doubt you ever think about me. you’re still winning, and that pisses me off more than anything else.

i hate you for always looking down on my taste in music. i hate that i always loved yours. i hate that you introduced me to somerset maugham, because i fucking love him, and yes in retrospect i realize you were probably trying to tell me something by recommending of human bondage to me. and, finally, i’m pissed off that your name has always been one of my favorites and you’ve kind of ruined it for me.

and since we so frequently communicated via music, this is my final missive to you:

so long, asshole.

*in her defense, i would like to point out that she did ask my permission first, which i thought was nice of her, considering that el boy and i actually never dated. and so i did the right thing and told her to do what she wanted, that it wasn’t any of my business. then i went home and cried. and in my own defense, i did actually stand up for myself and tell them that i wasn’t going to mediate their damned relationship. this incident also signaled the absolute end of my willingness to be a part of his bullshit. long overdue, but at least i did it.

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5 comments

  1. anger is a healthy emotion, i recommend it, i practice it and i get over it


  2. Just say the word, Kim, and he’ll be eating his meals with a straw for the next six months. 🙂


    • i appreciate your willingness to fight on my behalf, but if any ass-kicking is going to happen, it’s going to come from me.


      • I can also take pictures?


  3. Anger management takes some time to cure. the patient should really be willing to undergo treatment. ,

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    http://www.foodsupplementdigest.com/cayenne-pepper-benefits/



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