h1

just because he likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn’t mean he’s your soul mate

August 2, 2009

first, a caveat: i am drunk. probably too drunk to be blogging. in fact, i may return later and either edit or delete this post. fair warning.

so tonight i went to see (500) days of summer, a movie i rather over-identified with for reasons that i would like to explain, but which remain rather too stupid and lengthy to really get out. let’s just say that i had a relationship like that, only it was more a non-relationship. i acted like a complete fucking idiot for over a year, and i knew it was stupid at the time, but i just couldn’t stop.

so what do i do but come home and start reading through old emails from that period: emails between me and The Boy, emails among me and bug and sleaze that are largely about The Boy and how tragically, horrifically confusing he is and how much i love/hate him.

which somehow circled around to the following song:

the magnetic fields – i’m sorry i love you

A single rose in your garden dwells
Like any rose it’s not itself
It is my love in your garden grows
but let’s pretend it’s just a rose
Well I’m sorry that I love you
It’s a phase that I’m going through
There is nothing that I can do
and I’m sorry that I love you
Do not listen to my song
Don’t remember it, don’t sing along
Let’s pretend it’s a work of art
Let’s pretend it’s not my heart…
The rose will fade when summer’s gone
The song will fade and I’ll be gone
because my heart is dying too
and it’s all the same to you

part of what i got from the movie is that way that you can become so wrapped up in a relationship–you’re capable of taking a step back and seeing how fucking toxic it is (and certainly your friends point this out constantly), but you simply can’t stop. you don’t care how degraded the whole sordid scene makes you; you don’t care how foolish it is. all you want is for this to work out. this one person fits all these perfect little places in your heart, and even though you KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that the situation is hopeless, you just keep on hoping anyway. you tell yourself you’ll be strong, you’ll walk away, but you always come back.

but it never will work out. for one thing, the power imbalance is too great. you want more than he does, and it puts you at too great a disadvantage. he’s manipulative, and you let yourself be manipulated. but eventually you have to reach the point of no return; if you cross this rubicon, you let go of who you are. and so by some combination of circumstance and will, you walk away. you tell yourself this is the end. you will not do this to yourself anymore.

i still have his emails. but when all the orchids died (which he either gave me or i purchased in his company), i didn’t feel bad. i was happy, actually. i couldn’t bring myself to kill a living plant just to make a point, but once they died i was glad to be rid of them. they were too entangled with him, and the anger buried under all that lust and hurt was gratified to see them in the trash.

obviously, i’m not entirely over him yet. i can’t even talk about the situation coherently. there’s no way to explain it that doesn’t sound completely fucking stupid. but i’m trying hard to examine it, accept it, put it away. even if the whole situation does confirm some of the worst things i think about myself (a topic for another day).

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2 comments

  1. first off, i recommend deleting the e-mails.
    and then, i simply don’t see how this confirms anything bad about you. yes, 500 days was about getting all wrapped around another person who does not necessarily reciprocate in the same manner, but more than that, it was about moving on, after a healthy period of doom-and-gloom-i-can’t-leave-without-her type of period and finding someone who is just as into you, if not more, as you are into him. and also, it is about getting out there and risking getting your heart broken, because while the infatuation does last, at least according to 500 days, it feels pretty great. most importantly, NOTHING about the way you felt about another person should bounce back from their (ultimately) shitty attitude onto you….


    • i don’t necessarily think the situation says anything bad about me, aside from the fact that i am human and capable of doing stupid things in pursuit of a relationship. i mean, it made me frequently feel bad about myself, because rejection always hurts, and i also got to feel bad for allowing him to manipulate me. it was a bad situation, but i am not a bad person because of it. i am not less than i was. no matter how maudlin i might get when i’m drunk, i know this. in the end, there were some good parts and bad parts, and (hopefully) i’ve learned from it and can avoid making the same mistakes in the future, which will free me up to make brand spanking new mistakes.



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